We’ve all been there. You suspect your mother is thinking about raising goats for a dowry in the hopes she can get you married off; your “coupled up” friends are digging deep into the bowels of their Facebook pages in the hopes of setting you up with their mud pie making partner from nursery school that they haven’t seen in 25 years (who was reportedly also a nose picker, but don’t worry, they’re “sure he’s grown out of that by now!”). Wait. Is that just me?
So, this week’s “How To Tuesday” seeks to help answer a burning question: Besides the obvious, what sort of litmus test is appropriate to deduce the state of your love life? Obviously, this has been scientifically tested for accuracy, unlike those ridiculous Cosmo quizzes.
If you answer yes to MORE than one of the following, you may have a problem on your hands:
- Your friends want you to meet a “really smart, really tall, really cute” guy at their party. He comes down with the flu that’s going around and you yell, “THANK GOD!” upon hearing the news.
- A teenaged boy states, “Maybe you’re just not the marrying kind.”
- A small child suggests that you get the funeral home directors son’s phone number at her grandfather’s wake. After all, “he’ll run this place one day!”
- A small child screams from a chairlift (while clearly waving her arms in your direction) to any male skier passing by underneath, “This is (your name here)! She’s single and ready to mingle!”
- Your bra fitting last week with a rather brusque older Russian woman was the most action you’ve gotten in a frightening amount of time.
- People start telling you that dating again is like, “riding a bike.” You worry it’s like a motorcycle- you have no clue where to start with the damn thing.
- When asked about your love life in the vicinity of another, guffaws/snorting from said third party ensue.
- You embarked on a date in which, on the first (and only) date, he explained in great detail that his ex-girlfriend is holding his cats hostage.
- You were sandwiched between “that uncle” and a distant cousin of the groom with bad breath, dandruff and a self-proclaimed, “AWESOME” Chewbacca impression at the last wedding you attended. You fear that BOTH of them were intended set-ups.
It’s scary to put yourself out there. Maybe you have to have a whiskey smash before you do. I’ll admit to being absolutely wretched at it. Odds are, if I am remotely attracted to someone, I tend to shut up faster than a venus fly trap (no, biting is not part of some weird mating ritual of mine, you know what I mean). This means that I end up getting asked out by men I am able to be myself around (read: I’m not attracted to). So, short of alcoholism, what’s a gal to do? Time to put on my big girl panties.
But I think that what a lot of single woman forget is that being alone doesn’t make your life less meaningful. Being with someone doesn’t mean you will automatically be happy. There are merits to both, but if hunting down a partner becomes the sole reason for your existence, odds are probably reduced that you’ll a.) find someone; and b.) find someone who isn’t also desperately seeking someone, anyone, to partner up with for the sake of NOT being alone. There’s a difference between being proactive/putting yourself out there and devoting yourself to the search like a monk to the monastery/becoming a stalker. So, if it happens, great. If it doesn’t, that’s ok, too.
I’ll leave you with this gem from (almost) perpetual bachelorette, Fran Fine of “The Nanny.”
Fran Fine: When you fill out your taxes, what do you put in Marital Status: S or M?
Maxwell Sheffield: S.
Fran Fine: All right, so you told Uncle Sam you’re single. Maybe it’s time you told yourself.
Maxwell Sheffield: But I want to be an M again.
Fran Fine: Yeah, well, I want to be an M too. But first you got to get out there and make an S out of yourself.